Confessions of a Non-Feminist

December 22, 2008 Written by Women

Reading over the blog posts accumulated thus far, I am torn in a multitude of directions. My heart is overjoyed, seeing others who care and commit to advancing women’s equality in the world; however, a point of discomfort, a gnawing of some kind will not disappear. Regretfully, that gnawing is the word "feminism."

As I reread my words, my stomach churns. I do not wish to offend the women who came before me, the women who beat, pounded, and broke down the doors now open to my generation. Instead, I wish to honor their efforts!

Despite this, I still find the label difficult to grasp, and I find I am not alone. Numerous studies, polls and research abound regarding this question. Gloria Pan recently referenced a study highlighting that only 20% of women are willing to use the word ‘feminist.’ In addition, Elizabeth Suter and Paige Toller wrote, “Gender role and feminism revisited: a follow-up study.” The article cites that most academic research proves the same point: the majority of women and even men identify themselves as feminists; however, they are unwilling to accept the label.

I admit; I fall into this category. I also need to admit I am a newcomer to the feminist movement. I desire women’s leadership and empowerment, yet I am queasy and unsure of the terminology, and, therefore, have been unsure of how to "dive in," so to speak.

When I have spoken to friends about Feminism2.0, both men and women, I seem to meet silence. I know they do not wish to offend me, yet they are envisioning the media’s rendition of a feminist and do not know what to say. It is not until I continue with "women’s empowerment and leadership" that they nod their heads in understanding.

I believe it is this common misunderstanding that is at the core of any movement’s effectiveness, and though many in my generation do use the words "women’s empowerment and leadership," please know we are all pursuing the same mission. We are simply using different words.

I think my generation is looking for opportunities to mentor, to volunteer, and to empower other women, without fear of being mislabeled or stereotyped. Shouldn’t the focus be on our common goal rather than the rhetoric we disagree on?

I believe true change lies in women supporting one another, and this is my hope in attending Feminism2.0. Although I may question the name "Feminism," the name holds great respect, admiration and weight, as it is the pinnacle of women’s leadership and empowerment many women are yearning for today. The feminist movement has been truly transformative, and the group of women who will gather in DC are women whom I greatly admire. Above all, I wish to learn from them.

Although I am still a bit leery of the term, "feminist," the meaning behind it is far more important. My only request is to please acknowledge my struggle, this gnawing I have, and to understand that I do support you, though I may simply leave out the name. Should I do so, please accept me anyway. We have the same mission; we’re simply using different words.

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  • grapevinet

    Thank you for writing this! I really believe that our insistence on perpetuating the use of this label to designate those who care about women’s equality is counterproductive to bringing everyone (men and women, boys and girls) into the fold. I, too, have a great respect for all the women and men who came before me to pave the way for my freedom to claim myself as a feminist, but I don’t choose to use the term because of its weightiness. There are so many people who have this picture of a “femi-Nazi” in their heads when they hear “feminism” that it puts them off of claiming themselves part of the movement towards women’s empowerment. And yet those same people embody the spirit of feminism, teaching their daughters to love themselves and their sons to respect women’s autonomy, acting on behalf of so many women who can’t are restricted from acting for themselves, etc. I would hate to see a semantics argument keep those people who might be uncomfortable with a word from being involved in the work that we do.

  • Nina M.

    Right. Let’s accept that “feminist” is a dirty word and thereby signal our agreement with every woman-hating hack who has contributed to beating back women’s progress for more than a century. Let’s agree with the name-callers and the misogynists. I am sure validating their prejudices will make them respect us so much more.

    You sound like the kind of person who, in years pass, would say something like “I believe in civil rights, but why does Jesse Jackson have to sound so…. black!”

    Feminism – the term – has a long history. I am a feminist, I am proud to be a feminist, and I believe in feminism. If you are embarrassed to call yourself a feminist, if you are embarrassed by me, I doubt you have the backbone to really make a difference in improving the status of women.

  • Katie

    Nina, the fact of the matter is that the number of women who truly agree with feminism’s goals and the goals of this conference is much larger than the number of those women who are willing to use the term “feminist” to describe themselves. This is a personal decision. Teri is not saying that anyone should shun the term — far from it! She’s only hesitant to use it herself, as a newcomer to the movement and as a young woman who is still learning. And there are a lot of women and men that agree with her. I started calling myself a feminist confidently long after I started learning about feminism and the women’s movement — I can say it proudly now, but I haven’t always been able to, for my own reasons. I was lucky enough that no one passed judgment on me before I was ready. But I cared about these issues and took action and engaged others long before I used the label, and there are plenty of people doing the same. Why shun those efforts?

    Completely disregarding the work and the opinions of the women who may not use the term — the majority — will do nothing to help the movement. It will set us back just as far as will disregarding men who want to be involved, men who don’t necessarily use the term “feminist,” or disregarding the transgendered, or disregarding young women, or different races, or anyone else. The whole point of this movement is to make society more inclusive of its members, to unite all of us as “people” and to encourage respect for each other, to respect differences and ensure equality. The more people involved in this movement, the better it is, because the work that we are doing today is for the benefit of all women and their families — not some.

  • Gloria Pan

    My daughter is 14, and she has only a very basic understanding of what feminism means, and she certainly has no appreciation yet of the incredible effort that went into obtaining the rights and privileges women in this country enjoy today. I’m confident she’ll get there, but it’s not going to happen today. She’s too busy with school, friends and figuring out her place in the world, to learn more and think deeper about many things, especially those not directly relevant to her life yet. Meanwhile, she’s bombarded by popular culture, with all its different strands of misogyny, including the negative connotations associated with the word “feminism.” If she ever expresses to me doubts about calling herself a feminist, I will grab that moment and help her begin learning. I would certainly never blame her – “She knows not what she says.”

    Nina, I completely agree with you that “feminist” is a noble label and I carry it proudly, but it’s been the victim of bad branding. With the Internet and a new political era, we have the opportunity to begin to change it. In the meantime, we should understand that there are generational differences – that there are generations of women who grew up the last two decades hearing the distortions and misinterpretations of feminism. They were children — can they be blamed for believing what they were told? And now, many of them, like Teri, are young adults ready to join the fight, despite the ambivalence they feel about the “ism.” I, for one, welcome them with open arms, and am eager to take on the responsibility (just like I take the responsibility for my daughter) to help them learn and begin to understand. After all, putting the shine back on the label of “feminist” will be largely up to them. If we counted on only those of us who remember the civil rights and feminism wars of the 20th century without bringing in younger women, we’ll never get there.

  • http://www.theturnerreport.com Suzanne

    This conversation has been happening forever. Alice Paul, the woman whose tactics finally got us the right to vote, was too “out there” for mainstream feminists of the day. Yet even Paul insisted that women who did public stunts to gain sympathy for women’s suffrage be “pretty” and “not what people expect a suffragette to look like.”

    I remember realizing I was a “feminist”, then finally embracing the term. It was a process. Now I have little sympathy for those that have problems with the language, but I just need to remind myself — it was a process for me, too.

    That said, I would argue that all of our forward movement from the birth of the movement is accomplished by that small minority of people who proudly self-identify as feminist. In fact, most of our forward progressive movement in all areas over the last 100 years came from those who were unavowedly unashamed to take a position, to self-identify as radical, and who refused to believe that it is okay to accept injustice in any guise.

    This is pretty strong medicine for many of us. That’s why those that push social movements forward are not made of regular cloth.

  • grapevinet

    Nina,
    While I respect your right to call yourself a feminist, I think it only fair that you respect other activists’ choice NOT to label themselves. I believe it is close-mindedness like that that has put people off the term to begin with. I also resent the implication that people who refuse to label themselves have no backbone – I can only speak for myself, but I don’t refuse the label because I’m “afraid to call myself a feminist.” When my actions provoke others to call me a feminist, I am happy to acknowledge that I believe in women’s equality and work every day towards that empowerment and the right to leadership. I don’t shirk the term or tell people, “Hey, don’t call me that!” I merely nod and say, “Yes, that’s the way you see it.” I prefer, however, to view myself as someone who believes very strongly in women’s rights and issues and acts on them at all times. I don’t need a title; nor do I, as everyone seems to imply, need to work towards that title as some sort of rite of passage I aspire to reach. Rather, I am very comfortable saying that you can call me whatever you like, as long as you recognize the importance of what I work for. Don’t you think it’s more important to keep working for what we work for than to debate what we should call ourselves? Tomato, tomahtoe, as they say.

  • Teri

    Thank you all for writing! When I was writing my post, I was nervous about how it would be received, but I want to know what people are thinking, whether we agree or disagree.

    Grapevinet, thank you for what you’ve written!! I think you speak of the same spirit I hear from so many other women. I completely agree with you…you acknowledged your passion and strength for the work you do, yet you simply wish not to be labeled. Again, thank you!

    Suzanne, I appreciate your honesty about the great importance the label holds for you and our history. You pointed out that it is the result of individuals who were radical, those individuals who proudly self-identified themselves as feminists, that change occurred. I agree with you that the name holds great significance and has resulted in dramatic change, though given the ‘bad branding’ Gloria spoke of, I do not think the name has the some resonance in society today as it did decades ago. Do you think the name fosters the change needed today? I am also curious if you think labels are as important today as they were decades ago. (I think that could be an entirely different blog post in and of itself.)

    Katie, you wrote about the fact that Feminism 2.0 and the movement, in general, can and should encompass more than simply those individuals who have chosen to call themselves feminist. Thank you! I completely agree with you. Suzanne, I fear that if we wait for my generation to come to grips with this label, it may be decades until we see change. Meanwhile, the world is changing rapidly, and I do not want to look back years from now and see opportunities we missed. I have been reading again and again about how the internet is providing the opportunity for groups to have a say, for ‘the masses’ to be decision-makers. I totally agree with Katie that the more people involved in the movement, the better, and as Gloria said, young women do need to be involved.

    Nina, thank you for your comments, and I acknowledge your frustration and anger towards me. I told you I do not wish to identify myself as a feminist, so in a sense, I am dismissing a title you hold very dear, something you have fought for your entire life. I would be extremely angry at any person who told me the same thing. I want to know…for me, and for other women like me, would you prefer I continue on, not acknowledging the movement, at all? As Gloria mentioned, generational differences exist, and I think, among many other issues at play, here, that is a huge one. I know many, many women who feel similarly to myself, and I think it would be more beneficial to ban together, as opposed to debate a name.

    Gloria, thank you very much for writing about your relationship with your daughter. I am sure it is very difficult to remain patient, at times, though I do think that is what leads to lasting success (especially with teenagers and young adults). Thank you, also, for acknowledging a process. I think it can be assimilated to evangelists wanting to convert someone from the Catholic faith to the Protestant faith (simply for an example…). A faith cannot be real until the individual comes to terms on his or her own accord. Similarly, I think my generation has to come to terms with it ourselves, which may mean using the term ‘feminist,’ creating another one or not using one all together. I don’t know the answer, yet, though I want to throw out the question – are labels absolutely necessary?

  • Julie G.

    “I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.”

    Rebecca West, 1913

  • grapevinet

    Well said – I like that quote a lot and I feel similarly to Ms. West. I also want to just add in one more point, which is that if I didn’t want to identify myself as being part of the same group as those who call themselves feminists, I wouldn’t be on this blog! I think the work of Fem2.0 is so important and I’m glad to be a part of it in some small way.

  • Teri

    I second that! Well said.

  • http://mamavision.com mamaVISION

    I think I was meant to stumble upon this post because I have been pondering the Feminist label for the past few months. Through my blog, I receive compliments and I am beginning to be called “a feminist or spokesperson for women,” and I thought – huh? I’m not a feminist…am I, do I want to be one?

    No doubt there is a negative connotation associated with the term, and I don’t think we should be forced to use it to describe ourselves as Susan expresses above.

    I’ve learned there is first wave, second wave, and now third wave feminism….which are you are part of? and why? and whats your point?

    There’s a lot to think through before you stamp yourself with the Feminist label, and I personally am going to take my sweet time doing it.

    mamaVISION

  • Beester

    I think what matters is that you don’t get caught up in the semantics of feminism vs. women’s leadership and empowerment. But, rather people just accept that words take on new meaning over time but also accept that some negative connotations will probably always exist with certain terms. So it is one of those things that people really interested in this topic will have to accept as a trade-off for trying to further advance it. Does the benefit outweigh the risk?

    Then again, my hypothesis is that the core of what this “movement” is probably going to be more welcomed by society if it drops the feminism term and adopts women’s leadership and empowerment as the new term, kind of like certain nationalities have done over the past few decades with slang terms for their race. What really is important is that the actions of leadership and empowerment do happen to break the glass ceiling regardless of the terminology.

    However, we must not forget the importance of men who have carved out so many leadership positions and opportunities. This is another reason why the feminism term is bad because it turns off our male counterparts, yes they have a hard time seeing past the terminology. There are so many excellent leaders, both male and female as well as poor leaders of both genders. Yet, some research has indicated that one of the biggest reasons for the lack of women in the higher power postions, such as CEO and board of directors, is because of women taking time away for family. Currently, most women, right when they finally acquire some experience and are no longer a novice and start positioning themselves for possible higher positions, take maternity leave, modify work schedules around family, and chose to put family ahead of career (maybe not by much but at least by a noticeable bit). This of course, is each woman’s choice and should be respected. So as women put career in second place, men are and will continue to be more likely to reach more of the leadership roles. Yet some men do chose the “Mr. Mom” role of putting family first, yet it does not seem to be as prevalent as in women.

    Some women though do achieve great careers while putting family first, perhaps people concerned with this issue need to contact more of these people for future research. I have found that as a young aspiring female, there are certain women I have encountered who seem to have it all and do it with so much grace and enthusiasm that I think of as role models and would love to interview about how they “do it all” or suggest they write a tips and tricks type cheatsheet.

    In summary, its the heart of the issue that really matters and where we go from here through actions and not the terminology.

  • http://feministadvisoryboard.blogspot.com MadamaAmbi

    I’m frustrated! So frustrated!!! Not that this conversation is still happening, not that women are fighting over semantics and who’s got backbone…but because I won’t be at the Fem2.0 conference!! I have chronic pain/fatigue and don’t travel well; I just get sick.

    I will never stop calling myself a feminist because I’ve been one too long to deny that truth about me. Feminist, for me, also connotes being an activist and if you’re gonna be an activist, you have to learn how to take the heat. However, I’m also a communicator with a background in feminist psychotherapy, and an artist, and I know how to find common ground, to listen, to really get where someone is coming from, and to let them know I really get them. In my view, these are relationship skills, and I’m going to put these skills in the foreground with my next phase of activism.

    Maybe I’ve said this before on this site, but I guess it doesn’t hurt to repeat: not only has Feminism gotten a very bad rap from the media, but Feminists also have to confront the ways in which the tent has excluded women who are our sisters whether or not they call themselves Feminist. These are important discussions and I’m very happy to see them happening and I applaud Fem2.0 for addressing the pain we are talking about.

    Yes, I think this very conversation, and all the conversations that go ’round and ’round these very issues, are mirrors of our pain. They are mirrors of our fears, not only our fears of retribution from men, but also our fears of retribution from jealous sisters and jealous mothers. There is a shadow operating here, a shadow that we inherited from patriarchy and, in fact, is so much a part of patriarchy that we can’t even see it! It’s the water we are swimming in, sisters! It’s the air we’re breathing! It is so much a part of how we conceive of ourselves and our value and our power that we don’t even realize that we are replicating patriarchy even when we think we are changing it.

    This is a very complex issue. I can’t address it sufficiently in a blog post. My hunch is that it has to be group process, over and over and over, and visible on video. It might look a lot like South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation, or group therapy, or some hybrid of every kind of group work we know. But it has to be group work and the pain has to be expressed as pain, in my view. Not as theory, not as self-righteousness, but as the pain that we each carry about being a woman in patriarchy. We carry it individually and collectively.

    What I’m suggesting is hard work. Really hard work. Hard, painful, but ultimately joyous and revelatory work. I’m going to be doing this online in video format, with women who will show up via their webcams. I’d also like to do this work with groups of women in person, but I don’t have the energy to travel around the country to do this work, so online it will be.

  • http://patriarchaldisorder.blogspot.com MadamaAmbi

    hi Teri–this is in reply to the comment you left on Patriarchal Disorder. Your question really grabs at my heart. The work I’m doing in this next phase of my activism is how I’m trying to answer your question. You asked me what I think young women should be doing to address patriarchy and the pain it causes…

    I don’t tell people what they should do. Too many people in my lifetime told me what I should do and never bothered to see me or listen to me or help me become my self. I would listen to you talk about who you are and what you want, and I would mirror back to you what I’m hearing. I might make a suggestion or I might not. You will never arrive at your own creativity and talent and power unless you chart your own course, but, it makes a huge, huge, huge difference whether or not you have support.

    So, I’m here to support your growth and your process as you struggle with these issues. We’ve all struggled with these issues. You are doing exactly what you need to do!

    Yep, it’s a bummer that I won’t be there, but I think Shireen & others are working on streaming it live, so if that works out, I’ll be there!!! In any case, I will be getting more and more visible online and bringing other women with me. We can get to know one another via the miracle of webcams!

    The fact that you understand what I’m talking about is deeply gratifying to this old feminist…thanks so much for your post and your comment on my blog.

  • http://www.empowher.com Kristin Davis

    Teri, even after reading through your original blog post and your comment in the conversation thread, I still don’t understand why you have a problem with the term “feminism.” You wrote that you “question the name ‘Feminism,’” and yet at the very same time, even in the same sentence, you state that “the name holds great respect, admiration and weight, as it is the pinnacle of women’s leadership and empowerment many women are yearning for today.” So what’s the problem here? If you feel so strongly in what the term represents, then why do you struggle with the actual term? Is it because at times feminism itself has gotten a bad rap, as others here have mentioned? Well, so what. Blondes have gotten a bad rap at times, too, but that doesn’t prevent me from calling my hair color blonde.

    What’s important is how you feel about what feminism represents. That’s all that counts. If you feel good about the fact that the name holds great respect, etc., (which it sounds like you do) then you should go with it. It sounds to me like you’re too worried about what other people will think of you if you call yourself a feminist. If that’s the case, that’s just sad.

    To me, feminism is second nature. I don’t give it a second thought. Not since my college years at Mt. Holyoke College — a home of feminism. Others might use the term in a derogatory way. Heck there are plenty of people who use the term ‘woman’ in a belittling or derogatory way. But that doesn’t prevent me from calling myself a feminist, or a woman for that matter. I know what it means. And I want to be an example of what it means.

  • Lynn O.

    I find myself agreeing with the arguments on both sides. Personally, I am a proud feminist, but I can see that the brand has been badly damaged. At the same time, I was completely infuriated with the misogyny that I saw in last year’s campaign and, more importantly, with the obliviousness so many young women displayed. Yes, I know reality will slap them in the face soon enough. Still… it is disheartening.

    Back to feminism: I think the core question is can the brand be rehabilitated effectively so that feminism is once again a word that women are proud to be associated with? Or do we need to recognize that the damage is too great and focus on a new term — similar to the way “progressive” is now substituting for “liberal”.

    My guess is that a new term is needed for a new era. (Just as feminists evolved from from suffragettes.) The issues change, the words change. We can be proud feminists and still recognize that we’ve lost the battle in terms of defining the word. However, we need to recognize that the words “feminist” and “liberal” were actively targeted and turned into slurs. The same forces will work to reframe any new term or phrase we come up with. So, the real question — whether we keep this word or pick a new one — is how do we take ownership of the meaning and frame the discussion on our terms?

  • http://www.theturnerreport.com Suzanne

    Teri — I’m responding to your thoughtful comment about my comment — “I agree with you that the name holds great significance and has resulted in dramatic change, though given the ‘bad branding’ Gloria spoke of, I do not think the name has the some resonance in society today as it did decades ago. Do you think the name fosters the change needed today? I am also curious if you think labels are as important today as they were decades ago. (I think that could be an entirely different blog post in and of itself.)”

    The point I was trying to make is that the social activists (in any area) that truly do make change happen aren’t afraid of being labeled. This has been true since the beginning of social movements. “Blue stocking” was far more unflattering than “feminist” — especially in an era when women’s attractiveness to men was their only source of economic survival.

    People driven to fight against injustice are not frightened off by “branding.”

    Now, all that said, social movements have an arc. As a long-time communications and marketing expert, I can tell you that it”s the exact same arc that new products have. There’s a proven theory that “early adopters” (whether they be of Twitter, iPods or social advancement) are repelled by the sorts of messages and marketing that attract “mainstream adopters” and vice versa. So people who love Twitter because they “get” technology and Web 2.0 and 30-character-speak are NOT the people who will one day be using more mainstream applications of that technology in fifteen years. And the “insider” ethos of Twitter and the like is repellent to people who prefer to wait for technology to go mainstream before they invest in using it.

    The same is true of social movements. I could argue that the high point of feminism’s “coolness” was the 1970s. Yet, even then, “women’s libbers” were vilified and subjected to violence and cold shoulders within their own families. This, however, was nothing compared to the social ostracism faced by first wave feminists and suffragettes of earlier generations.

    If folks have trouble with the label “feminism” — whatever. Don’t call yourself a feminist. But do think carefully about your personal rights. And remember — your great-great-grandmother wasn’t allowed to go to school (unless she was rich), she wasn’t allowed to own anything (her property was her husband’s property), she wasn’t allowed to keep her children if she left her husband and she wasn’t allowed to make decisions about her own reproduction.

    Even Thomas Jefferson, that great promoter of individual freedoms, passed a bill in the Virginia House of Burgesses before the revolution allowing “un-attended women or negroes” to be legally killed on sight. In other words, in pre-Revolutionary Virginia, if you didn’t have a man to protect you, you could literally be killed.

    The rights we’ve won did not come from people afraid of a word –even in much more dangerous times. And, thank God for that.

    As to your label question — in some ways they may not matter so much, in part bc of the anonymity afforded by the Internet. We can be activists and speak out and get in lengthy discussions wo anyone really knowing who we are. But labels do continue to be important at a personal level — it’s how we self-identify.

    As for me — I don’t really care what people call themselves. I’m simply making the point that progress was made by people unafraid of labels.

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