Why can’t we all just get along?

January 5, 2009 Written by Families and Caregiving , Women

I work for a women’s health web site, www.EmpowHer.com, which was started by Michelle Robson after she realized how far we still have to go for women to obtain equal access to medical care and treatment.

So I recently wrote a SHARE post on the EmpowHer web site about a breastfeeding study that I pegged as propaganda. As my colleague, Kelley, pointed out, it’s probably better not to discuss politics, religion or breastfeeding… Apparently, breastfeeding can ingite all kinds of passionate discussion. But what amazes me the most is how we women can, and do, judge each other so severely on issues like this. Why are we so judgmental??

I’m hoping that at the Fem2.0 conference, this question might be asked. Because until we can work together, we’re not going to attain the equality we’re all striving for. What I’ve learned from the "breastfeeding propaganda" conversation thread that I started, (that you can find and join in here) is that if I choose not to breastfeed my newborn infant, then I can expect to be slammed by other moms (and dads) as being an immoral, heartless wretch of a mom. Unless, that is, I have a pretty darned good excuse. Like say, a medical issue that prevents me from breastfeeding, or a premature infant who is unable to breastfeed. Then it’s acceptable. But if I simply make the CHOICE not to breastfeed, for whatever reason, then I should be prepared to wear a scarlet F (for formula) on my chest. Geez.

So when are we going to come together as moms and be more supportive, or at the least, somewhat respectful, of each others’ choices? Isn’t that what we’re all about, as empowered women? To have access to, and to be able to make, choices that are the very best for my health and the health of my family? Without fear of judgment or an extra layer of guilt?

If we can’t come together as strong, empowered women to extend empathy and compassion to each other without judgment, then I don’t see how we’re ever going to make progress in obtaining equality in medical studies, care and treatment.

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  • J

    I know. It is just one of those opinions that people thrust upon you. How many of you out there were shocked at the highly opinionated lactation consultant you had when you were in the hospital with your baby? I was.

  • Gloria Pan

    Kristin, I completely agree that women need to support each other and approach each other’s decisions with respect, even if we don’t agree with them. When people get judgmental, facts recede into the background and that can have dire consequences. Look at what happened with breast implants. Women who got them were derided and judged, which provoked a backlash because many women just wanted them and believed they should be free to make their own decisions about their body. Lost in all this were the facts — that the FDA was in the pocket of implant makers and that implants have ruined the health and finances of tens of thousands of women.

  • http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-g-yerman/ Marcia Yerman

    Breastfeeding, like a lot of other things concerning women, reflects the times and societal pressures.
    For my mother’s generation, no one would even consider breastfeeding. When I had my son, it was
    something that I decided to do.

    Regardless, others still managed to get in the act with their opinions. Either I did it too long, or I stopped too early. I had to supplement with formula, or I would have be breastfeeding and pumping non-stop.
    That put me in the category of “not breastfeeding the right way.”

    When we all feel more secure about our own decisions, we will be able to be less reactive to the choices of others.

  • http://www.empowher.com Kristin Davis

    Marcia, that’s a great point — that when we feel more secure in our decisions, we’ll be less reactive to others’. Yesterday, someone commented on my EmpowHer post that I should feel confident in my choices — she felt that I was really upset and that the breastfeeding issue in general is what sends me off. But it’s not that. What makes me upset is how we judge each other. We women can be so harsh with each other. That’s what I have never been able to understand.

    This is kind of off topic, but when I watch my eldest daughter’s peers (they’re in jr. high), I can’t believe how mean they can be to each other. And I wish that kind of behavior could be nipped in the bud. It seems predictive of how judgmental we are towards each other as adult women.

    In any case, I love your comment, and if you feel like cutting/pasting it to the conversation thread on EmpowHer, it would be a great addition. http://www.empowher.com/community/share/more-breastfeeding-propaganda

  • http://attachedfeminist.blogspot.com Cynthia Corby

    I believe that information is power. When women are confident other women have all the information they deserve to have when making decisions for themselves and their families, then hopefully debates of this nature will fade into the workwork. I do not believe most mothers have all of the information they deserve to have in making the breastmilk vs. formula decision. I will cross post a reply here to your post at EmpowHer:

    In response to, “I’m not all convinced that breast milk is of higher quality than formula” here is one article:
    http://www.mothering.com/articles/new_baby/breastfeeding/dont-trash.html
    and another as recent as December 19, 2008:
    http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/20/health/research/20breast.html

    Kristin, I think we do need to discuss breastfeeding more in our society. We need to share information and that is not the same as passing judgment. Your stories about being treated poorly by a lactation consultant or why you decided formula was a better choice for you and your children are important things for women (and hospital staff) to hear. I want to hear your stories, now that you have hinted at them. It is none of my business, of course, but if you want to share and feel like society doesn’t allow you to share your stories because some of them include formula, well please know that I and surely others believe your stories are important. All mothers need to share their stories, in my opinion.

    To empower women we must make sure they have all of the information they need to make informed decisions. Now, if you truly believe breastmilk and formula are equals, then that is your opinion, but it is not supported by the evidence. Empowered women need to know what the evidence states and it is almost universally that breastmilk is the superior infant food. Not only that, breastfeeding is also beneficial to the mother, but that is often left out of the discussion.
    Please see the following re: breastfeeding reducing breast cancer rates:
    http://www.llli.org/llleaderweb/LV/LVAprMay99p29.html
    and for all of breastfeeding benefits see this page:
    http://www.llli.org/NB/NBbenefits.html

    On a more radical note, I would like to offer the additional choice of using donated breast milk for the mother who cannot breastfeed her own child. If this gives the reader a knee-jerk negative reaction, please ask yourself why. Then remember that cow milk has evolved for baby cows (who later become 1500 lb adult cows), not baby humans. That soy beans are heavily processed to become soy milk. Then return to asking why using non-maternal human milk has fallen out of favor in our society. In fact, there are many mothers today who choose donor breastmilk instead of formula. This is a choice often left out of breastmilk vs. formula debates. I have never used donor milk, nor have I ever donated milk. I just wanted to share this information because it is an option that I had never heard of until learning more about the countless benefits of breastmilk and that was only after I had become a mother myself. For more information on donor breastmilk or human milk banks please see:
    http://www.hmbana.org/
    or
    http://www.breastfeeding.com/all_about/all_about_milk_banks.html
    or
    http://www.womenshealth.gov/breastfeeding/index.cfm?page=359

    If you would like to donate milk or find donor milk in your area, the best way to find donors is to simply network within your parenting community.

    I also wanted to point out that you seemed to need to defend your choice of formula-feeding with “(and very high quality formula at that).” Be careful there, this was the very thing you stated you were against. You clarified that you have a standard that many other women in our country may not have. Let’s all be careful to simply share information and when things get personal, we have to make sure that is clear to the readers as well. The downside of all this wonderful technology is that we talk differently to each other when we aren’t face to face.

    I think people will always judge each other because that is the nature of making hard choices for yourself. When you see other people make different choices, you wonder if your choice was truly the best choice. All we can do is make the best choices with the information we have. Making sure mothers have the best information about breastfeeding and formula feeding is the true way to empower women about this topic.

    Please know that I believe that women do not always judge each other on this topic. Usually women that come across as judgmental have had their own tough battles that have made them quick to defend their beliefs, even if they were not questioned in the first place. A breastfeeding friend may question why her friend who is not breastfeeding, but it may be from a place of wanting to understand and support, not judge. That breastfeeding friend has most likely defended her choices to others, especially to the generation before us who were advised not to breastfeed, as you pointed out. That formula feeding mothers feel they may be asked to explain how they chose to formula-feed is simply the same experience breastfeeding mothers have had for over 50 years in this country. I don’t see that there must be an inherent problem in sharing stories. We must simply remember the goal in doing so–so that we are doing it in a way to support each other in the constant struggle and joy that is motherhood.

  • http://thefeministbreeder.typepad.com TheFeministBreeder

    File this in the category of Ignorance Disguised as Choice.

    Breastfeeding and Formula feeding are not two equal and different “options” that are as inconsequential as you make them sound. Formula feeding caries serious health risks that we are only just beginning to understand. What we know right now is that the previous two generations of “formula-feeders” have now exposed their children to cancers and other health risk factors that breastfeeding would have protected them from. There is mountains of medical evidence to prove this.

    It is a baby’s birth right to be breastfed. It is our job to feed them properly, instead of mainlining McDonalds (or it’s liquid equivolent) into their system.

    Think about it this way: the previous generation did all kinds of terrible things to this planet in the name of convenience or advancement. We’re trying to clean up a lot of those messes now. This is the same issue with breastfeeding. Every single health organization in the world recommends breast over formula, and formula companies even have to have warning labels on the sides of the cans TELLING their consumers that they shouldn’t be using their product. Sound familiar? Sounds like the warning label on a pack of cigarettes, if you ask me. So why aren’t mother’s listening? Because they don’t know the truth.

    Breastfeeding is a feminist issue. Our gender, and our generation, have been undermined and hurt by the FORMULA companies and their bogus propaganda. It’s time to take back our bodies and its abilities.

    Or, we can keep buying their cigarettes and formula, and tell ourselves it’s our “choice” to let them do this to us.

  • http://www.theturnerreport.com Suzanne

    Hmmmm…. I hope I am not making this comment this twice. Anyway — here goes again.

    Call me a selfish *beyatch* but when my first child had the BALLS to be born NOT KNOWING HOW TO LATCH ON I thought I would go mad. (Note to the child-less — no baby is born knowing how to latch on.) We would fight for what seemed like hours over my gigantic, slightly purple boob, both of us getting more and more frustrated; both of us often crying.

    “This. Can’t. Be. Worth. It.” I began to think. So, I made a deal with myself: “We will keep this up for another two weeks. If we can’t get it right, we will switch to formula.”

    In the meantime, yes, I did. I supplemented with formula. Babies, I feel, are born with the right to eat. So we used one of those hard-to-suckle bottle nipples and I tracked every drop that got into his body, every second he nursed, every poop and every pee. I still have the tiny pieces of paper that recorded my anguish and fear that somehow I was starving my poor (12-pound) baby to death. Meanwhile I pumped and pumped and pumped and pumped. We had so much frozen milk my mother-in-law suggested I should donate it to La Leche.

    After two weeks, we could nurse without HIM crying (me, with cracked, bleeding, still engorged breasts still cried a bit). And it got easier and easier over time. Then, after a while, it was wonderful.

    And I nursed baby boy number 2 without a hiccup. Nursed him until he was old enough to demand “naked nurse!” in front of my horrified mother (and was subsequently cut off).

    But — I tell you — if boychik number 1 and I hadn’t made it through those critical first two weeks, we would have used formula and I never would have looked back. I have never judged another woman for not wanting to breastfeed and I never will. It worked for me. It doesn’t work for everyone. Formula didn’t kill me or my brother or sister.

    Let’s argue over Gaza or something else instead.

  • http://thefeministbreeder.typepad.com TheFeministBreeder

    Breast vs Formula is one of the most important discussions of our generation. It is not trivial, or something that shouldn’t be considered a “real issue.”

    You have no idea yet what formula may have done to you, or your kids, or your brother, or your sister. Formula feeding imposes risk factors on us that may not be realized until much later. Do some research before you decide that formula is “safe.” You can start at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services…
    http://www.womenshealth.gov/breastfeeding/index.cfm?page=home

    Remember, it’s illegal to drive around with a child not in a car seat today…. it’s only been that way for 20 years or so. You probably didn’t ride in a car seat growing up… neither did I. Are we alive? Sure. Would we/Should we take that risk with our kids? Not in a million years. We KNOW better now. And we should KNOW better than to formula feed when we don’t have to.

    Nobody ever said having a baby was easy. If we weren’t prepared to go the distance in providing, at least, the best nutrition for them, then maybe we ought to rethink procreation all together.

  • http://www.theturnerreport.com Suzanne

    Hmmmm…. Feminist Breeder, here I was sure you were going to tell me how awful it was that I didn’t have adequate support teaching me and my baby how to breast feed, then direct me (and other mothers) to resources so first-time mothers could all do this right.

    Once upon a time, we had extended families. Our mothers and aunts taught us these things (and we even wet nursed one another’s children). Of course, women died in child birth more often, they weren’t getting adequate nutrition themselves and their breast milk was similarly deficient and babies didn’t thrive — plenty of downsides.

    But back to what baby formula did to me and my siblings… Always wondered why I walked with this odd gait, stuttered and was cross-eyed. Peace out, ladies!

  • http://anndouglas.typepad.com/blogs/ Ann Douglas

    Kristin, this is an excellent post.

    Other contributors to this discussion have already made a lot of excellent points that I won’t rehash here, but one point of yours I did want to emphasize is how important it is that we be able to speak frankly about the fact that we don’t always get along; that the online community of women has its problems, just as the real-world community of women does. There are also some additional issues that factor in online. I have an essay coming out on this very topic (how women — mothers, more specifically — interact in the world of social networking) in the spring. (“Web 2.0, Meet the Mommyblogger”). It will be published in this forthcoming anthology from Demeter Press/the Association for Research in Mothering:

    http://www.yorku.ca/arm/MotheringandBlogging.html

    Mothering and Blogging: The Radical Act of the Mommy Blog
    Edited by May Friedman and Shana L. Calixte

    A number of other bloggers/tweeters are also included in the anthology, as you’ll see from the TOC.

    Ann Douglas

  • http://www.lovenutsdownunder.com lovenuts

    Ahh I so agree with you Kristin.

    Unfortantly we women are just so damn critical of each other. We still haven’t figured out how to put our insecurities aside and realise life’s not a friggen competition. We could actually make the world a better place if we stood by our fellow women and supported each other, instead of scoffing, bitching, and judging one another!

    We are trying to stand up and break free of certain sterotypes and moulds, but how can we do it if we can’t even stand together?

  • http://cussandotherrants.com Suzanne R.

    It is almost hilarious to find comments condemning mothers for formula feeding babies on a post that asks people to understand and respect other mothers’ decisions – for whatever reason – to feed babies formula, and then calling the person who asked for a nonjudgmental environment “defensive.” How can someone not be defensive when she is being told that she’s killing her baby by feeding her/him? This is exactly the problem with hardliners on any side – any rational thought in their arguments are tuned out because of the hostility.

    Anyway, based on the logic that formula will destroy your life, I must be permanently demented. Probably, in fact, the damage done to my brain led me to want to take all information into consideration and then make the best decision that I can under my life circumstances. Horrible, the effects of formula feeding. Better to let babies starve to death and/or to stress mothers out about being failures, since you know, maternal stress has absolutely no effect on infant development.

    Also, weird that two women named Suzanne were formula fed and then got defensive when we were told that we were demented human beings as a result… Coincidence or propaganda by the formula companies?

  • Seeta

    Hi,Everyone,
    On the subject of feminism and equal rights for women. I would like to know if any of you can help this woman. She is the wife of the President of Guyana,runs a NGO and was treated by her husband in the most demeaning way one can think of mentally abused by her husband and his ministers/agents.When I heard the interview I said i had to post it on some feminist site. she now speaks and it is terrible to know all the advance women have made in society,they are still being treated that way. Listen to the interview also.

    http://www.demerarawaves.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=115:guyanas-first-lady-booted-out-of-state-house&catid=1:latest&Itemid=105