Can men be feminists?

January 27, 2009 Written by Families and Caregiving

Last Sunday  we had a rather provocative #fem2 discussion over privilege, patriarchy, raising boys, identity politics and feminism over Twitter. You can find the discussion through Twitter Search. I helped facilitate the discussion by opening it with this vignette about kids (it actually happened a couple of weeks ago):

i have two boys and the oldest asked the other day, "mommy, what’s a feminist? why are you a feminist?"

i told my boys that i am a feminist because i don’t believe women are lesser beings than men.

the 8yr old turns to me and says, "but i don’t believe women are less than men, can boys be a feminist too?"

i said, you believe women should have the same rights as men under the constitution? and so my boys declared themselves "feminists"

We had a great discussion about the new generation of boys, girls ruling the playground and whether I believed if Benicio del Toro was a feminist (LOL! Some of us where also ranting about the SAG Awards).

Talking about how to raise boys to be feminists, @phdinparenting sent us a link to a post she has on the subject. Raising A Feminist inspired and spooked me at the same time. Canada declared women "persons" in 1929. Mindbloggling considering my father was born in 1926.

Which takes me to the closing of the twittercast. It’s about my father, Julio Sabater because in all his complexity as a parent, he somehow managed to help raise a feminist :

am closing my #fem2 twitterchat participation with this thought : my father was a notorious womanizer

my father the womanizer and mysogynist raised me to be smart. he’d say, "you can do whatever you want with your smarts and talent" yet as a second generation "post-slavery" black man in Puerto Rico, he was raised by women who had to be strong by fate not choice

my father the womanizer and mysogynist would tell me "don’t go to college to marry a man like me, go to be whatever you want to be" as we get closer to Feminism 2.0, i can’t help but think of him. my father, the womanizer and mysogynist, believed in my power as a woman

to me, my father, the womanizer and mysogynist was in many ways the first feminist in my life. i thank him for believing in me

g’night

It’s easy to talk about the tyranny of the patriarchy without considering that we are talking about men or boys who could be somebody’s father, brother, son, lover or husband. As I said somewhere in the Twittercast, prejudice is a function of Fear, which is one of the most basic human if not animal sensations. One could say then that the need to oppress and subjugate others comes from as basic a need for Power as it is to Fear.

In the end, we’re talking about humans and when it comes to "the male oppressor", if you have boys, do you want to raise them to be victims of that "privilege" or do you want them to be free men who will choose  to defend freedom for others as they enjoy themselves?

In other words, as I told @DalydeGagne : My father loved me more than the women in his life. Love moved him to teach his "baby girl" how to be strong in a world full of sexist men like him. Love for their daughters can teach men to overcome sexism. And that’s why, in a way, my father in all his inconsistencies ended up helping raise this here feminist woman.

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  • http://www.theturnerreport.com Suzanne

    Thanks, Liza, for this post and re-cap of the Twittercast.

    The line that most resonates about your father to me is “I thank him for believing in me.”

    I wonder if that is the key ingredient to raising femininist women (and self confident children of all stripes). My parents were extremely clear that I could do and be ANYTHING I wanted to be. No limits were set on me. I was never valued because of my “beauty” — my appearance wasn’t even commented on. I was never asked to be lady like or submissive. I was encouraged to speak my opinion.

    In those dark days of one’s early 20s when you just don’t know if you’re going to “make it” (whatever that means), it was my parents’ faith in my that sustained me. I knew I could do “it” (whatever that was) and I knew two such strong, competent and intelligent people could not be wrong that I could do anything.

    I am constantly amazed when the young women that have worked for me over the years say “it’s so amazing to work for an independent and successful woman – I don’t have that chance often.” I am blessed to be surrounded by such women — my own mother, my grandmother who kicked out her abusive, drunken husband and raised six children by taking in sewing and raising chickens (or to use your words, Liza, “a woman who had to be strong by fate, not choice.”)

    Then I look at my husband, and my sons. My husband was raised by a woman who was abandoned by her husband with three small children to raise. Back when want ads were separated by gender and there was no such thing as child care that allowed women to work (not that it’s so great these days). Will remembers “burning the furniture because we had no heat.” But she made it work, and raised two fine sons and a daughter. Her boys both married strong, feminist women.

    My own sons have recently remarked “we don’t have a normal family — you work and Daddy stays at home” (he’s a student). They never noticed until recently. But they are seeing a role model who doesn’t mind cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry or being a totally kick-ass father. A father who is totally supportive of his wife, while studying to be a scientist.

    I just don’t see how they can help but be feminists when they grow up.

  • http://www.sophiasirius.net Patrick Dacre

    Precisely the topic of the soon to be released book, Wings & Prayers:4 Elements of a New Feminism. Perhaps you’ll visit, and join our discussion group(listed on that page). Also, you’ll find out support of the upcoming International Women’s Day, 8 March 2009, with a Global Map of Events.

    Patrick
    Soon to be moderator of ‘A New Feminism online Man’s Community’

  • Pingback: Twittercast #4: Last one before the conference! at Fem2pt0 : society’s issues + women’s voices

  • http://attachedfeminist.blogspot.com Cynthia Corby

    Thanks for the recap. As a mother of 3 young boys I am so happy to see some of my line of thinking come through in the twittercast. Not only are we raising future feminists, but I imagine all feminists would like children to be raised by feminists…male and female feminists. I am also very excited to sense a generation of women who do not see men as slowing us down but as partners in changing our country. Men want so many of the same things as women do, sometimes women can see the world in a different way and simply need the opportunity to share a different way about doing things!