Caregiving in Context: A Powered Woman

Imagine the world without mothers.  Do we have a world?  No.  The center circle in the middle of our world of concentric circles is a mother, a woman who wants to be a mother and is able to give birth to a new human being.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but as I see it, this is the smallest unit of civilization as we know it.  Yes, a woman needs more than herself to give birth to a new human being and to be a successful mother, but a woman with a sperm donor can give birth and raise a child.  A man can raise a child but cannot give birth.  The middle circle, which radiates out in every direction on every point of its axis, is a woman. 

A woman may choose NOT to have children, but recent research indicates that women want to have children when conditions are optimal for them. As Michelle Goldberg points out in her book The Means of Reproduction, women who are educated and successful in the workforce are more likely to have children than uneducated or undereducated women who don’t work.  Women are less likely to want children when they are isolated and when having children means they will be responsible for all of the daily caretaking of children as well as the housekeeping, cleaning, grocery shopping and cooking.  When having babies will not isolate a woman or prevent her from having a satisfying work life, women are more likely to want children. 

 I always assumed I would combine career and parenting, but as I made my way in the world, working and self-supporting, I realized that I would never be one of those superwomen who "has it all," not even with a husband who changed diapers, cooked, and loved coming home to his family.  It was a painful choice to make, and I wondered what life would be like with a husband who stayed home to raise the children.  My closest friend from high school married a man who did.  He is a writer and was able to work from home, she is a writer with a high pressure career writing for TV.  She is also earning the highest salary of any woman I know personally.  And, she has a family.  That was supposed to be me!

 When the issue of work-life balance is brought up, women scrutinize their choices and too often the circle that gets the most analysis is the nuclear family.  How can my partner and I share the load?  Why am I always the one to worry about the kids?  This is a no-winner for women.  There are superwomen out there who single-handedly raise kids, hold jobs and turn out healthy, confident, empathic children.  But come on!  We can’t all be superwomen and that can’t be the standard against which women find themselves slacking.  Hillary said it takes a village to raise a child.  And I’m saying it takes a powered woman.  And how that woman gets her power matters to us all.  Let me describe a powered woman, and you’ll see how the whole system must shift in order to support women raising the kinds of kids that have what it takes to lead productive, gratifying lives.

 A powered woman feels safe inhabiting her body, her authentic self and her sexuality.  She knows how to be healthy and to live her life fully without needing to achieve an idealized feminine sexuality or an idealized sexualized body.  She is self-determining and educated.  She feels safe on the streets, in parking lots, in subways and buses and in her own home.  She owns her own sexuality independent of idealized images of marital bliss or romantic fairy tales, and feels comfortable initiating sexual intimacy as well as declining it.  She knows when she is genuinely interested in being sexual or when she feels pressured.  She knows when she is ready to have children or when she feels pressured.  She understands the consequences of sexual intimacy and decides for herself how she wants to be sexual and with whom.  She feels free to embrace both men and women as sexual partners and possible life-partners.  She understands what having children will require of her and she determines for herself when she is ready to be a mother.  She feels free to live her life without having children and without partnering.  She is self-determining at every critical stage of life and makes choices based on a strong education and a solid sense of self.  She pursues her interests and is not conflicted about combining work/career with raising children.  

 A powered woman has choices and is able to determine for herself how she wants to support herself and her children. She has received a quality preschool-12 public education, affordable college with programs to help women with children attend school .  She has affordable if not FREE access to training for a career, with placement in child-friendly jobs.  Child-friendly means childcare on-site.  Child-friendly means excellent prenatal health care for women, including health insurance coverage for reproductive control and family planning.  Child-friendly means on-site family physicians at school and at work.

 A powered woman has access to all of the job/career opportunities available to men, at the identical wage, with a flexible job structure to allow her to combine her work life and her caregiving responsibilities.  A powered woman does not have to choose between having kids and having a career, and she receives governmental, corporate, business, societal and faith-based support to do both.  A powered woman who can progress in her career while caring for her family will be a powered mother who feels valued for her contribution to the work force and to raising powered, healthy, creative, productive, collaborative citizens. 

 The central and most critical unit of American life is NOT the family.  The central unit is A Powered Woman. 

 A powered woman is in control of her sexuality and her reproductive powers.  Birth control is accessible and affordable, if not FREE. Abortion is accessible and affordable, if not FREE.  A powered woman’s right to have a late-term abortion is a decision made only by herself and her doctor, without governmental intervention, prevention, or so-called protection.  A powered woman may choose to marry the father of her children or she may not, and whether she does or doesn’t is a matter of personal, private, informed decisionmaking free of governmental, faith-based, or other programs "incentivizing" marriage to the father of her children. 

 A powered woman may very well choose to marry a man or, in some states, a woman, but does not acquiesce to pressure to marry.  Marriage is a working partnership based upon trust, mutual values and communication, and does not magically provide a nurturing environment for raising children.  Nurturing, safe and stable homes, which all children need, depend on trust and respect between the primary caregivers.  Effective parents need solid communication skills, economic stability, support from the community, and the desire to be involved in the day-to-day lives of their kids.  Effective parenting also depends on who the parents are, how they were parented, how well they understand parenting, and how powered they are.  Marriage to a man as a necessary component of raising children works very well for some women, but not for all women, and a powered woman is one who exercises self-determination in choosing how/when to marry or not, how/when to have children or not, independent of economic or social pressure.

 A powered woman can live her life without fear of rape or assault.  There is no one way to change a culture from rapist to safe; many interventions are necessary in public education/awareness, public safety, domestic violence prevention, shelters for battered women, etc., as possible.  A public advertising campaign to address rape, as well as putting rape and domestic violence at the top of the list of crime prevention priorities, is something I’ve never seen.  I’m not suggesting a blitz PR campaign to help women arm themselves, use the buddy system, or learn how to take down an attacker; I’m saying that it’s time to target the unspoken misogyny at the heart of a rapist culture. 

 Rape and violence against women is a tactic of intimidation and control; in other countries it is also used in war and "ethnic cleansing."  In American life women are still subordinate and/or subservient to men.  This is changing and there are many examples of leadership by women in this country.  Nevertheless, women do not have parity in government, in wages, in accumulated wealth, in ownership of major corporations, in leadership roles, and in other ways of setting the agenda or influencing public opinion.  Until this changes, I doubt that rape or domestic violence will disappear from American life.  I don’t mean to suggest that until parity comes there is nothing to be done about rape!  Rape and domestic violence as weapons to control women should be a subject of community discussion and community awareness the same way that law enforcement agencies promote "block watches" or other ways for neighborhoods to work with law enforcement.

 A powered woman can afford to live in a safe neighborhood with parks, sidewalks, public transportation, good schools, community programs for enrichment, after-school & extra-curricular arts programs, and grocery stores selling fresh, safe produce and meats.  A powered woman can afford to feed her children with or without a husband or a partner.  A powered woman has a good education, at minimum a college degree, and because she has been educated, understands the importance of her children’s education and her involvement in their day-to-day schoolwork.  A powered woman has a good library in her neighborhood and has the time to take her children to the library to choose books she can read to them before bedtime. 

 A powered woman is proud of her job outside of the home, and her kids are also proud of her work; a powered woman’s children are welcome at her place of business.  A powered woman gets support for being in the workforce as well as for parenting, and her ideas to improve the interfaces connecting her roles as mother, caregiver, partner, wife, employee, entrepreneur, citizen, family member are valued and given serious policy consideration.  A powered woman lives in a society that values women and understands that it really does "take a village." A powered woman raises powered children who grow up to be caring, empathic, successful villagers.

 The children of a powered woman live in a happy and safe home where the primary caregivers are not stressed trying to make ends meet.  A powered woman can provide for her children without depending on the income of a husband or a life-partner.  She doesn’t feel pressured to find a man to help with the rent, doesn’t bring home men who might abuse her children, and doesn’t marry a man who abuses her or shows signs of violent behavior.  A powered woman knows when she is stressed and in danger of abusing her children, and she counts on community organizations to help her.  A powered woman knows when she needs psychological counseling and/or medication and/or respite care and doesn’t feel ashamed that she needs help raising her kids; she feels valued for her role as a mother.  A powered woman doesn’t feel isolated as a mother, or that she has to "go it alone" if she doesn’t have a husband or family living nearby.  She knows what a village is for, how to depend on it, and how to enrich it.  A powered woman invites a powered man or a powered woman to share her life with her, possibly to have and raise children together.  A powered woman is comfortable establishing mutual, healthy dependencies with people who respect and value her as an individual.  She understands the interdependencies of successful lives.  

 A powered woman models for her children a powered, successful, individuated adult.  Her children grow up expecting to succeed and to contribute to society.  Her daughters grow up knowing that they can function successfully as members of the workforce and as mothers, or that they can chart a course for themselves that does not include having children.   Her sons grow up respecting women as individuals, workers, supervisors and leaders, learning that men and women can be both caregivers and successful workers.