Last Names

December 2, 2010 Written by Popular Culture , Women

I showed up late to a meeting recently, and introduced myself to everyone.  I was promptly asked what my maiden name was.  When I repeated what I’d just said I was given an odd look, which I returned with an odd look.  Thinking about it later, I realized, at 28, people may well expect that I’m married.  Unfair of them to assume so, but I shrugged it off. 

Over the Thanksgiving weekend I started thinking about it again though.  Clearly not shrugging it off completely, I was reminded of a recent conversation with a few women about the age of my mom.  One woman was talking about how her new daughter-in-law had yet to change her name.  After a few months she assumed her daughter-in-law would have done this, and couldn’t understand why her son wasn’t pushing it.  All I could think was that the recent bride probably has no intention of changing her name.  As the conversation continued, there seemed to be a consensus among the group that young women (and they’d look at me) have no interest in “making it official” in a timely fashion.  Huh? 

I have no interest in ever changing my name.  I also have little interest in actually getting married, but that is a completely different topic.  My name fits me well; it is part of my identity. 

While many acknowledge the arcane reasoning for changing names, it does seem rare still to find women who keep their maiden name.  What I found was that the history is mainly within English-speaking countries.  In many countries around the world it is customary for women to keep their maiden names or combine names with their husband.  Why English-speaking countries, then? 

Angola, Brazil, Cambodia, Chile, France, Iceland, India (Northern areas), Iran, Korea, the Netherlands, and Portugal all generally expect women to keep their maiden names.  Muslim countries see it as a sign of ownership – transferring ownership from the father to the spouse.  Funny how many American women see it that way, too.  In Sweden, changing your name to your husband’s didn’t become common until the 20th Century, falling off in recent years in favor of long traditions of keeping your maiden name. 

Why is it always the woman who needs to change her name? Have we really been so slow to change that no man will stand up and change his name to his wife’s family name?  I’ve run into situations when I am given my boyfriend’s last name.  I let it go in restaurants, so as not to create a scene, and at the vet office where they have given both cats his name, no matter my efforts to ask for them to add a hyphen.  I learned my lesson with Comcast.  I admitted to not being his spouse and was treated like a child.  That will not happen again! 

Why do I just let it happen?  Those rare moments where we are greeted for a reservation at a restaurant and they refer to him as Mr. Arden is almost worth it.

How did English- speaking countries get so far behind on this, and how do we catch up?  Or do we?  

I know plenty of women who will happily take their husbands name, and not just because they are tired of always having to spell their given name.  It is a choice and one that women are free to make.  I can’t help myself questioning where men come into this, or if they do.  Certainly ask for the future spouse’s opinion, but how many are going to agree, or change their mind?  Does your choice change when kids come into the picture?  I’m a fan of everyone changing names then – if it really is important for everyone in the family to have the same name – come up with one everyone agrees on.  Level the playing field, and start over!  You could always just add the new name onto the end of your current or given name.  There are actually many options beyond taking his name or not. 

How did you or would you choose and why?

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  • Jennie

    Maggie – I take issue with your statement, “How did English- speaking countries get so far behind on this.” This is about personal choice. I agree that people in your meeting were totally out of line to assume that you were married, and also for Comcast to treat you poorly because you aren’t Peter’s wife – but I don’t think it’s fair to say that women who change their name are somehow “behind.” This reminds me of the never-ending feminist infighting about whether women should or should not work after kids, whether women should and should not breastfeed, etc. I think we should be supporting other women in their personal choices – because labeling a particular choice as inferior or superior only hurts women.

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  • Linda Marshall

    Maggie,
    I was so desperate to get my husbands surname that I did the proposing. After 42 years of having a surname that was slang for idiot, I felt it was time for a change and I have to say the chip I had developed on my shoulder, has diminished considerably since we did marry. Had I been blessed with a more pleasant maiden name I probably would not have changed it, as for marrying I’m a much more contented person since I did. I had only just started, in the last couple of years before we wed, to be assumed to be a Mrs already.

  • Maggie Arden

    I think English-speaking countries are behind on this because we still put so much pressure on the need to change your name, and look at it as odd that women don’t. I worked for a candidate who was asked regularly by male supporters why she and her husband had different last names. Why does it matter? In so many other countries women aren’t questioned on their choice of changing their name. It is a personal choice, and it is one of many personal choices for women that is questioned by others, often from older generations, but certainly isn’t limited to them. Every choice a woman makes is discussed, dissected and analyzed to death. And they are often choices that are not an issue for men.

    I am interested in why women make the choice they do. I know several women who made the decision similar to the way Linda chose. Issues with given names, their spelling, meanings, and potential mispronunciations are common reasons I’ve heard to change. I also know plenty of women who didn’t even think about it, knowing they would always take their husband’s name. I think I find the reasoning so interesting because I can’t imagine changing my name. I know there are women who would never think of keeping theirs. Why should either of us receive scrutiny?

  • http://attachedfeminist.blogspot.com Cynthia

    I am curious in what industry you work? I am very surprised you would get that question and how it even made sense at the time. Are you working at the same high school in the area where you grew up, for instance, that older people might want to try to remember you but thought “perhaps she’s married now”? In the industries I worked I can’t imagine that question ever having any relevance (wall street, university administration).

    I did change my name. I have been married 8.5 years and have kids and I don’t regret it. I do think if I had married later (I was so “young”–25), and had a larger percentage of my adult life associated with my maiden name…I don’t know. Maybe and maybe not. I am still very much the same empowered woman I always was. Indeed, more so. Is it because I am married? Older? A parent? A wife?

    My father really wanted me to keep my name and give my children his name because our name was “dying out”. He had two sons that didn’t have children. Meanwhile, I have sons now and they can change their names if they want to, or not. I don’t really care. yet. It is the “yet” that I am learning is the key to so many of our discussions about women’s (and society’s) issues. Heck, they could go back and pick up my maiden name if it matters that much by then. I do know this: we really need to listen and hear individual stories and then make a decision that makes sense for who we are at the time. Once upon a time I could’ve written your blog. At the same time (and I’m not saying you are this way at all), I also wondered what was the BIG DEAL about all this debate about childcare and maternity leave policies and so on. I used to think something like “you wanted kids, you should know the deal” but I really *get it* now because that is the peer group I’m a part of now. It breaks my heart how many young(ish) women are not excited to sit and hear about the transformation their older sisters undergo after marriage, turning 30/40, having a child, and so on. It isn’t us vs. them. It is all “us”. “Never say never” has rung so true to modern women like me and many others I know. I would love to sit with 40somethings on a weekly basis to get ready for my next chapter….

    I am curious what else you see in other countries where women do keep their names that is also enviable. Do they have better policies for women? Better health care? Is there a correlation? Is it causation? In my case, my life was on a track where I felt changing my name made little difference to my identity or my ability to succeed in our country.

    I encourage you to examine your statement, “My name fits me well; it is part of my identity.” I am not saying anything pro or con about it, just examine it. Is that really true? Could you change your name right now to fit you even better? What does it mean if you never change the name you were given by your parents? This is not an attack. I think I said that about my name about 10 years ago. My identity has gone through many more challenges that any one name could describe and I am comfortable assigning new passions and roles to my name. Maybe I should change my name again after another 25 years? ha. You know, anyone can change his/her name, it isn’t some privilege or big choice at marriage alone…you just walk into the social security office and do it. What if we all had to change our name once we turned 18? 30? When I examine these questions it helps me find how I think about things like this that seem to divide so many of us.

    Take care! I love that you are living the examined life!

  • Kat

    I changed my name when I got married and don’t regret it.

    I think in my generation, women are free to do what they want. I have some friends who changed their name, several that didn’t, and one that hyphenated.

    I haven’t gotten along with my father or stepmom for most of my life and we have a tenuous, at best, relationship now. So I didn’t really feel a full part of that family or a strong connection to my maiden name. It honestly didn’t bother me at all to change my name or cause me any hesitation. My husband is my family and the one person in my life who really supports me, loves me, and treats me well, no matter what. I’m happy to be a part of his family and join together to have a common last name.

    The other thing that impacted me had to do with my job. I’m a teacher and have encountered many families where the parents have different last names. Sometimes this means they were never married and are now broken up, sometimes it means they are dating or engaged, sometimes they are married, sometimes they are divorced. As a teacher, it does make things pretty complicated. It’s hard to know the family dynamic when the parents have different last names, and then the child may have one name, or may have a hyphenated name. Since I know I want to have kids and raise a family, it also makes it simpler for me to know that we will all have the same last name.

    I liked your entry though:) I think that today, young women are really able to choose for themselves what they want to do though and that’s a great thing:)

  • http://enthusiasticrunner.com/ Jocelyn @ Enthusiastic Runner

    This is really interesting. I am not married but I do think about how much I really love my given name. It would be a tough thing to “give up”, and to be honest I doubt I will.

    If other women make the choice to take their last names…its their choice obviously. I just don’t think woman really see NOT taking their husbands name as an option. It is the “norm”. I just think that no matter what you choose…take the name or not….you aren’t judge either way.