By now, all of us are aware of the tragic circumstances of Rehtaeh Parsons’ rape, torment, and suicide. I don’t need to provide the details of what happened to her. To be honest, and perhaps selfishly so, I know I can’t bear to write about it.

Because this isn’t the first time we have written about the suffering of a young girl, victimized by the very rape culture we are subjected to daily. We do this on what seems like a weekly basis: another teenage girl, another heartbreaking story, another sad ending.

So as we have done in the past – with Amanda Todd in British Columbia – and as we do now with Audrie Pott in California, we grieve. We grieve for the life of a girl who never really had a chance to live. We pain for her family; bewildered by what they had to go through and offering them our sympathy. We take comfort that now, maybe….just maybe… justice will prevail. That, for Rehtaeh, the Canadian system will do as it is supposed to do.

Rehtaeh Parsons died Sunday, nearly 18 months after an alleged rape by four high school boys. (Facebook)

I live where, sadly, Rehtaeh used to lived. Not in Nova Scotia per say, but in New Brunswick – its neighboring province. We, including Prince Edward Island, make up the Maritime Provinces of Canada; full of kind and compassionate people, surrounded by wild and unscathed beauty, with a population of only about 2 million.

But despite all the raw grandeur and the tight-knit communities of our region remains a very stark reality: a situation like Rehtaeh’s is not uncommon.

1 in 4 North American women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. But in the Maritimes, the rates of violence are higher than the already staggering average – violence against women is among the highest in the country and resources to help are frighteningly limited.

In Fredericton, New Brunswick, where I currently live, I have an 88% higher chance  of being sexually assaulted than in the rest of the country. Third highest in the country. The first? Saint John, New Brunswick (an approximate 1.5 hour drive from Fredericton), where women have a 132% higher than average chance of being sexually assault.

Yet, knowing that less than 1 in 10 sexual assaults that occur in Canada are actually reported, lower than any other violent crime, how many more acts of sexual violence are occurring in the Maritimes – my home – without us knowing? How many more women around me are suffering in silence?

The terrifying question remains: How worse off are we?

Because this is what the culture of rape is all about: isolating women, victimizing women, shaming women. It tells us that, for things to get better, we must change. It tells us that the growing rates of sexual assault are our fault.

Just as Rehtaeh continues to be blamed in the form of posters for support of the boys who assaulted her, all women are blamed for the sexual violence that is committed against us.

But the reality is it is society who is to blame.

• Society tells us that we are increasingly guilty of making false rape accusations, although research proves it’s a rarity.
• Society tells us that if a man is guilty of rape he will be held responsible, although statistics show us that sexual assault is the least likely of all violent crimes in Canada to result in a conviction.
• Society tells us that the police will find evidence if an assault takes place, although the justice system shows us that the prevalence of ‘unfounding’ in sexual assault cases, a finding of ‘a crime not committed’ by police, is highly variable across Canadian regions. In fact, such rates have been criticized for lack of consistency.

And society limits our sources of support.

• The only Planned Parenthood in the Province of New Brunswick closed its doors in 2006.
• The New Brunswick Advisory Council on the Status of Women was abolished by the provincial government in 2011.
• Funding to the capital city’s sexual health services was severely cut in 2011.
• Abortion services are also limited: no surgical abortions can take place on Prince Edward Island and the Morgentaler clinic, the Maritime’s only public abortion clinic, is not deemed ‘medically necessary’ and therefore not provincially funded.

In fact, rather than making services more accessible, and rather than providing funding to the limited services that are already available to us, New Brunswick politicians suggest creating ‘women only’ parking spots. It’s laughable, except that the neglect of women throughout the Maritime provinces is no laughing matter.

We are, as Alexandra at Feministing so poignantly said, “in a state of emergency”. The Maritime Provinces have been stuck in this ‘state’ for quite some time, and I for one have had enough.

I am tired of being scared in my home, and I am tired of being blamed for feeling the way I do.

What we have learned from this horrible situation is that to achieve justice for all of us – whether we live in the Maritimes, throughout Canada, or anywhere else in the world –we must get angry, we must demand change as did after hearing about Rehtaeh.

So, to the men and women of Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island: be concerned, get angry, start acting. It’s time for change. Please – start conversations in your communities, form rallies, write letters. It’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Let’s make the most of it.

For assistance in the Maritime Provinces:

In New Brunswick

• Fredericton Sexual Assault Crisis Centre
• Let’s Talk about It Campaign

In Nova Scotia

• Nova Scotia Advisory Council on the Status of Women
• Nova Scotia Domestic Violence Resource Centre
• Halifax Sexual Health (formerly Planned Parenthood)
• Avalon Sexual Assault Centre
• Antigonish Women’s Centre

In Prince Edward Island

• PEI Rape and Sexual Assault Centre
• PEI Advisory Council on the Status of Women

When I was a young the first I heard about sex and all that jazz was through friends.  Most of what they ‘knew’ isn’t worth speaking of now but as far as I was aware at the time they were fountains of knowledge on the matter and not to be questioned.  I went to a Catholic primary and secondary school, in primary school we were deemed much too young and thus were never told anything about anything even though at ages 11 – 13 some of us were clearly hitting puberty with a bang.  Up until then I had absolutely no sexual experience at all (I was 12) but had I started ‘meeting’ a boy I would have gone by what little and wrong information I knew as I had been told nothing else.

Before I went to secondary school I asked my mother for a book about the birds and the bees, thankfully this cleared up a lot for me!  But still in an all girls secondary school we never received any sort decent sex ed.  The most we got was a biology lesson.  My brother went to an all boys school and had a similar experience but with one difference, they got a talk on STD’s (with very graphic pictures included).  No-one ever attempted to talk to any of us about feelings, love, other emotions, respect, sex, proper sexual health, rape, boundaries or consent.  We got NOTHING.  So at 16, 17 and 18 years old we were finished school and off to take on the big bad world armed with biology, old wives tales and the blind leading the blind when it came to sex.

I remember a friend of mine had an older boyfriend while we were still in school and we were hearing all about her first time.  When I heard the details I was a little shocked (it did not sound like how it was in the movies).  The truth is she wasn’t really ready and she wasn’t really into it but he didn’t stop.  She knew it didn’t feel right but she didn’t know what to do so she lay there.  Knowing now what I didn’t know then was that for her first time she had been raped by her boyfriend.  Maybe if someone, ANYONE with a bit of real knowledge and experience had sat us down and explained to us about boundaries and consent she wouldn’t have ended up staying with a rapist for several months after that because she didn’t know any better.  (I am in no way blaming her for anything that happened, all of the blame lies solely on the person that raped her).

In the digital age we live in now it is harder than ever to grow up.  There is social media, more peer pressure and mixed messages seem to be everywhere.  Take the Steubenville case, some people actually still believe that those boys did nothing wrong.  In the UK children as young as 8 are ‘sexting’ and sending naked pictures of themselves to their friends.  They don’t see anything wrong with it because they haven’t been told any different.  There have been respected retailers selling t-shirts with slogans saying ‘keep calm and rape them’ on them, someone obviously assuming there would be a market for them.  A tumblr account called facebook- whores exists consisting of pictures of “dumb bitches” found on facebook.  Just this week a 17 year old boy in Belfast is being investigated for boasting about an alleged rape on facebook.  His post claimed he had sex with a woman after misleading her about who he was.  The post received over 1000 ‘LIKES’.  Then there are TV shows like Jersey and Geordie Shore where girls are openly talked about and treated like objects and sex acts with numerous random strangers happen more often than the cast members have hot dinners (that is what apparently passes for entertainment these days).  Not to mention the damage hardcore pornography is doing to kids.

No wonder children and teens are growing up completely confused.  In a way you cannot entirely blame them when there are mixed signals everywhere they turn.  Not enough is being done to change their young minds and show them right from wrong and just how important consent, respect and boundaries are.  Now it is more important than ever that no child ever feels any sort of confusion on these matters.  Ending these mixed messages for good could potentially stop another Steubenville from happening in the future.

It was 2007, and I was at a loud party with friends. My phone had been ringing incessantly and they were all numbers I didn’t recognize so at first I chose to ignore the calls. Finally, about seven calls later, I decided to figure out what was going on and answered my phone. A male voice answered, sounding expectant of a more enthusiastic response. I asked him why he was calling me, to which he hung up. Barely a second later, the phone rang again, another unfamiliar number flashing on the screen. I answered again, only to have another awkward male voice ask me what I was doing, to which I could only say “Who are you and what do you want?”  He hung up without another word, and that is when I began to panic. When the phone rang again, I didn’t wait for the person on the other line to say a word – I burst out “Who are you people? Where did you get my number?” He sounded confused and said, “Didn’t you put your number on an adult personals forum?”

I remember feeling like the room was spinning, that all the blood had been drained from my body, and in that moment I couldn’t move. I just stood rooted to that spot, stuttering “What?” – angry, confused, shocked, and feeling completely violated.  My personal information was on an X-rated discussion forum, inviting strangers to call me for sex. I knew exactly who was behind it, a former “friend” who now lived in another state. Our relationship had soured a while ago, and in addition to blocking him on all social media websites, I had been ignoring his many text messages and phone calls. The text messages had gone from apologetic to aggressive, but I continued to ignore him. And that led to the events of this evening. It was his way of showing control and that he had the power to make me pay attention to him.

I was unable to log into the site, so I don’t know what happened there, but I did ask the callers to do one good deed and mark the post with my information for ‘deletion’ and ‘abuse’ (assuming there was even such an option). For the rest of the evening, and the weekend, I switched my phone off. I was told I should just change my phone number, but I only saw that as giving him power. I remember feeling determined that I would not let him get away with this. However, this was 2007; not only he did get away with posting my information on that website, he reveled in sending me emails, voicemails, and text messages where he mocked my inability to do anything to stop him. I spoke with the police, both in DC and his state, who told me they couldn’t take action because he hadn’t physically threatened me. They made me speak to a detective who listened to my story, and then as if to verify my statement, ask the offender about it. It was not a surprise that this former “friend” denied every word of my story, and the detective proceeded to close the case. Later, this “friend” called me on my birthday, not on my cellphone but this time on my phone at work, a private number I only shared with select close friends. He later boasted about tracking that number down, and also my address, while also wishing me happy birthday. He sent me pictures to tell me he was in town, to which all I could do was inform building security and immediately file a restraining order. I continued to hear from him but he never physically appeared before me, and his taunts were ‘limited’ to phone and email. Eventually, he left the country and it has been about two years since I last heard from him. It is still unfathomable to me that an individual who considered me a friend could resolve to upset my life in such a cruel manner. But cyber stalking and cyber harassment is a very real, effective, and now increasingly common, strategy for those who wish to express aggression against another individual.

Cyberstalking and Cyberbullies

A January 2009 U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ) reported that more than 1 in 4 stalking victims reported that some form of cyber stalking was used, such as e-mail (83%) or instant messaging (35%). Furthermore, the report noted that 26.7% of victims considered their victimization a personal matter, and did not report it to police. Meanwhile, the instances of cyber harassment have only increased, and both law enforcement and the targets of the harassment find to their dismay, even today, that there is little they can do.  For instance, even though many states have enacted cyber harassment laws, the perpetrators can only be held accountable by the law when there are threats of physical harm. The FBI has expanded their cyber crimes unit, acknowledging that this is becoming a growing problem that state jurisdiction alone cannot handle.

I find myself aghast with stories of other women, men, and youth who endure the humiliation of having their personal life and personal information carelessly exposed, and their online identity being so thoughtlessly and maliciously tarnished. And for young adults, it doesn’t just end there. Over 42 percent of youth who reported being cyberbullied also reported being bullied at school. The suicides of Megan Meier, Erin Gallagher, Jessica Laney, Jamey Rodmeyer, Amanda Todd are painful reminders of the extremely dark side of the Internet social interactions, and vulnerability for today’s youth.

It’s Just a Game?

Then, there’s the case of feminist media critic and blogger Anita Sarkeesian, whose Kickstarter project to analyze women in video games made her the target of relentless online violence. She faced multiple attempts to bring her website down, was threatened with physical and online violence (a video game was made where players could ‘punch’ her repeatedly, filling her face with virtual bruises and cuts till the screen turned completely bloody). She recently spoke about her experience at TEDxWomen held in Washington D.C:

“Even more disturbing, if that’s even possible, than this overt display of misogyny on a grand scale, is that the perpetrators openly referred to this harassment campaign and their abuse as a ‘game.’  They referred to their abuse as a game.”

Yet, there was a silver lining – these attempts only furthered her commitment to the project, and she also found a supportive community online that was able to help her raise 25 times the original funding goal for her project.

Part of this phenomenon is the eager and vicious cyber-audience that participate in and encourage malicious online activity. Why else would revenge-porn sites, where individuals can send in nude pictures of their exes or anyone else they wish to humiliate, exist? One of the most infamous of these websites was recently taken down, only to have the website founder recently announce that he was going to launch a new website that not only featured user-submitted naked pictures but also the addresses of those individuals profiled. Unbashed and unapologetic, he has told reporters that he doesn’t “feel it’s sleazy at all… Somebody was gonna monetize this, and I was the person to do it.”

Photo credit: Johan Larsson via photopin cc

This post is originally published on Everyday Feminism.  It is cross-posted with permission.

I still remember the feeling of anxiety that came along with the excitement of being part of the in-crowd. The first few weeks of school are always a little stressful with me wanting to make sure I had friends and wasn’t an outcast.

And each year, I successfully landed a spot in a nice group of girls that I had a lot of fun with. We had sleepovers, movies, lunch dates, and pedicure parties.

While all of these girls were nice on their own, something would happen when we all got together.

We talked…and we talked about other girls…we said mean things about them behind their backs. And it strangely brought us closer together and made us feel united.

The trouble was that what united us was the exclusion of someone else.

I remember hearing things and even on occasion saying things like: “I love her to death but I can’t stand when she…”, “If I said this to her, she wouldn’t listen or change”, or the classic “Don’t say anything to her but…”.

Those phrases made my stomach turn and my goose bumps rise to attention.

Why did I gossip behind other people’s back? If I felt angry, upset or jealous towards someone, why didn’t I just talk to them about it?

Or even if I wasn’t saying anything, why didn’t I stop it? Why did I nod along and neutrally agree with things I completely disagreed with and angered me?

Thankfully, I talked to my mom about it and she said something to me once that shifted my perspective and made me change my ways. (I’m not going to pretend I became some anti-bullying super hero. I still have moments of weakness where I resort to cattiness or don’t interfere when gossip is occurring.)

My mom said, “If they’re saying this about ‘Jenny’, who knows what they’re saying about you when you’re not there”. Looking back, I’m a little disappointed it took a “take a walk in her shoes” pep talk from my mom for me to grow a backbone, but hey, I am what I am.

Why Gossip Is a Form of Bullying

Gossip is a form of emotional and verbal bullying that many people minimize.

While you may not be pushing someone into a locker or stealing their milk money, it’s extremely hurtful to the target’s self esteem, mental health, and friendships.

Gossip deals with topics that are shocking, personal, intimate, and often embarrassing. Gossip is often untrue, exaggerated, and discussed without the target being aware.

Whether you’re the one doing the bad mouthing, the one nodding along in agreement, or the one with their stomach turning, there are a few things we should recognize that this does to our friendships:

1) If we’re gossiping, we are always indirectly hurting someone’s reputation, self-esteem, friendships, and credibility.

2) We train ourselves to avoid confrontations and this not only hurts the victim of our gossip session but also hurts us. Down the road in a work place, keeping things bottled up and venting to the person not responsible for making us upset is viewed as unprofessional and immature.

3) If the person you’re gossiping about did something wrong, we owe them the courtesy of approaching them to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they didn’t know that what they did was wrong and if given the chance, they may change their behaviour.

4) If the person you’re gossiping about is someone you’re jealous of or judgemental of, then maybe we have to do some “me-time” to try to understand why it is we need to criticize others to make us feel more confident.

5) Gossiping as a form of bonding stops us from talking about things that matter like our lives, health, family problems, career goals, and ideas.

Long story short – gossiping is hurtful to everyone. There’s no doubt that speaking out and disagreeing with the crowd can be tricky, uncomfortable, and not always successful.

But in either biting your tongue when tempted to share some gossip or nipping a hurtful conversation in the bud, you are stopping bullying.

And that’s important.

How To Speak Out Against Gossiping

Here are a few tips and examples for how to intervene in a conversation that seems like it’s taking a turn for the worst into gossip-town:

1) Bring the targeted person’s perspective into the conversation to breaks the ‘us versus them’ mentality and remind everyone that they are people too: Really? Jenny’s always been nice to me, I’ve never noticed that about her.

2) Kindly challenge the gossip sharer to be brave and assertive: Have you tried talking about it with her? I think she’d be responsive and totally get where you’re coming from.

3) Name the situation as unfair to make the people gossiping really think about what they’re saying: Jenny’s not here to defend herself guys. This conversation isn’t really fair.

4) Address that gossiping is beneath us: Guys, all we ever do is talk about other people. We’re smart, kind, funny people! I’m sure we can come up with something better to talk about.

Now, I too am responsible for taking my own advice. I am imperfect and just today caught myself talking about someone behind their back instead of bravely confronting the issue in a mature way.

I invite you to take a stance against gossip, a very serious verbal form of bullying, whether that means speaking up or not engaging in it.

Diana Bosnjak completed her Masters in Women and Gender Studies and Transnational and Diasporic Studies at the University of Toronto. In her free time she enjoys dancing ungracefully, spending time with her four sisters and trying new foods!

Photo credit geograph.org.uk via Google Creative Commons.

First, Adrian Chen identified Reddit’s notorious Violentacrez, the man behind the infamous Jailbait Reddit and a bunch more misogynist ones.  And then Anonymous released the name and information of the man allegedly responsible for the harassment that pushed Amanda Todd to commit suicide.

If you haven’t seen Amanda’s Youtube video, it’s heartbreaking, especially since Amanda recently committed suicide.  After flashing on a webcam when she was in middle school, a man harassed, harassed and blackmailed her – including sending naked photos to her friends and family and put them on Facebook.

I feel sick over what happened to Amanda, and all the other women and girls who have had something similar happen to them.  Reading the comments of all the coverage these two stories, I am relieved to see the vast majority of the people damning this type of predatory behavior.  But even on Jezebel, there are still some victim blaming comments.  And that makes me want to throw-up.

My stalker ex-boyfriend did something similar to me, although thankfully there were never any pictures.  The sense of violation I felt knowing that my friends and family had been sent repeated communications about me of a sexual nature and smearing my character was almost unbearable.  Having lived through that, I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been if he had taped or photographed me without my knowledge.

People have made the usual complaints about the need to protect internet anonymity and vigilante justice and argued that what Chen and Anonymous did isn’t right.  However, as so many others have pointed out, it’s hard to feel sorry for someone like Michael Brutsch losing their privacy when they made a habit from taking it away from others and using it to humiliate them.

I don’t believe that  Brutsch’s situation is comparable to the hypothetical outing of a small town closeted gay couple or a random employee getting fired for politics that are contrary to those of their employer who have their identities exposed.  Violentacrez was a well-known, infamous, and controversial moderator on one of the most popular internet sites, and I think what Chen did falls along the lines of investigative journalism on someone newsworthy. To me, the bullying accusations against Chen aren’t accurate.

I also don’t feel sorry for Brutsch losing his job.  When an employer Googles your name and naked pictures or a website designed to smear you shows up – you’re not going to get hired, and that’s what happens to women who wind up on any number of creep-ass sites. It’s nearly impossible to get any recourse.  Victims often face more exposure taking someone to court.  I took my stalker to court and won, but the process was so grueling, expensive and at times humiliating… that I completely understand why people choose not to.

I am hoping that the outing of some of the notorious trolls like Brutsch serves as a kind of class-action lawsuit for the internet masses.  It’s not going to stop every jerk from taking creep shots or posting revenge pictures of an ex, but I do think it causes at least a reasonable amount of fear of repercussions that some people aren’t going to do it.  And at the very least, a small barrier is better than none.

The internet is real life – I’m really tired of seeing “IRL” everywhere.  This idea that there is a big wall of separation between online and non-online life isn’t true anymore.  The consequences of people’s behavior online happen in real life.  People generally are who they are. The man accused of harassing Amanda was just in court for a sexual crime against a minor.  Haven’t we seen enough examples of predatory behavior online leading to someone getting hurt later on?

There have been some comments about how we need to address sexual shaming, and that if there wasn’t the degree of shame around bodies and sexuality people would not be committing suicide over things like this.  But I don’t buy that it’s all about shame – it’s also about privacy, the ability to control your own image, and the vulnerability that comes with constantly being attacked in a public forum.  Having embarrassing photos show up online could be taken of anyone in the course of their every day life – taking a shower at the gym, riding unconscious in an ambulance, wearing a skirt, or using a public bathroom.

I don’t believe that allowing victims of stalking, intimidation or harassment some level of recourse will affect all other internet users to the point no one will have any privacy.  I just don’t.  After the Rutgers sentencing, I hope that legislation gets passed that makes it easier for victims to get information about their attackers for obvious cases of stalking, blackmail and intimidation or making it easier to sue or for the police to press charges. It should not be so easy for someone to ruin someone else’s life.